Warning......rant ahead.

*This is advanced warning that this post is going to be a bit of a rant.*

As you may have gathered my eating and exercising habits have been way out of whack during the past few months,and as a result of that I have gotten a bit squashy as I have lost muscle tone and I have also put on about 3 kgs of fat. I knew this and I have been trying really hard in the past few weeks to get my shit together again.

Well, my sister has a friend who is about 5 foot nothing and is pushing 160kgs in weight and she said to my sister that I had put on heaps of weight!!!!!!!!!! The cheek of some people!!!! Holy Shit!!!
When my sister told me this (cause she tells me everything) I went ape shit I was so annoyed, why does she think she has the right to say anything?!?!

Now I am really annoyed because that has got in my head now, and even though I have got the food and exercise back on track, I can hear her voice saying "ewww fattie" "look at the state of you" and I really need to change the voice in my head.................getting it off my chest has actually been good.

Grant me serenity..

....I had decided that I was going to clean up my eating last week and stop eating so much CRAP, welly well well well................that didn't happen as well as I would of liked it too.

I ended up getting sick and was feeling really rubbish on Tuesday so we had takeaways (oopsie #1) as well as being sick the kids were utter little butt heads so I ended up cooking what they would eat with the least amount of resistance and then on Friday I was working and the man child was at his work do so grandies had the kids I got home at 8 and the MC got home at 8.30 soooooooooooo we had takeaways again(oopsie#2).

I am going to go to bed now before I consume my body weight in chocolate....it either that or bang my head against a wall.

Probably should of done my research first

So I am in day 1 of my challenge at the gym, so that means day one of my detox and I am so so so so hungry. I couldnt stomach the soup so I have only had toast and hummus and a couple of spoonfuls of the soup.

I knew that I was going to feel like shit for the first couple of days and that it was going to be hard, but throughout my journey I have never deprived myself of anything and the fact that I have to has really been rubbing me the wrong way today. I have learnt that depriving myself leads to me having an almighty binge where I eat EVERYTHING I can get my hands on,even if its something that I dont like.

I have been at work today and then when I got home I just googled "are detoxes good for you?" and  not suprisingly the answer has been a resounding NO, not only do you deprive your body of nutrients, any weight that you might lose you will gain back the minute you start eating again, it doesnt even have to be normally, because detoxes are normally so low in calories that eating even slightly more than this will make you gain weight.

I dont want to give up on this detox but sensibility says that I cant maintain day to day function on just bread and hummus. I think that I can create my own sustainable detox that wont deprive me of anything,off I go in to the depths of the internet to find something, or maybe I can skip forward and have normal food for one meal and follow the detox for other meals,I think that this would work as long as I ate cleanly for the rest of the day and focused on plant foos and lean protien.

Skeletons in the closet

*Warning heavy post coming up*

Today I got asked if I was ever bullied at school and the answer is yes, biggest and easiest target always gets taken down first dont they.

When I was in college there was a group of girls the same age as me and they absolutely tormented me they were the most vial stuck up little cows that anyone will ever have the displeasure of meeting....... if its not obvious in my writing this question dragged answers out of me that I had pushed pretty much right out of my life, they were in the dumpster out the back ready to be taken to the dump.

Not only did these girls torment me physically they also messed me up mentally, I withdrew from life basically I participated in things but at the lowest level possible, I had(and still have) a hard time trusting people and in the end I decided fuck people(theoretically,not literally) and I would be a horrible horrible bitch to everyone so that no one could ever get close enough to hurt me. 

I had no self confidence and would very rarely look anyone in the eye, I thought that I wasnt interesting or even good enough for anyone to talk to, stooping over like this has lead to me having poor slouchy posture and actually developing a lump on the back of my neck, which with help from my personal trainer we are starting to reverse it. 

And the nailer of it all was I was being picked on because not only was I taller than everyone else I was fatter than everyone, so I coped with feeling shit by eating and eating and eating. We never really had crap food at home when I was growing up and we didnt really have takeaways a lot....maybe once a week, and I in no way blame my parents for the situation I got in to (i love my parentals) it was totally my own fault come home from school and sit on my ass and eat, and I guess it goes to show its not WHAT you are eating but HOW MUCH you are eating which truly effects your weight.

After leaving school it took me a long time to realise that it doesnt matter what people that arent important in your life think of you. I realised these girls were insignificant little gnats whose own lives were probably so shit that they needed an easy target to take it out on. I now talk myself up A LOT which probably annoys the crap out of my loved ones, but positive self talk is amazing...............I have a really really good friend that I used to tell how good looking I was and he used to just go along with me, sounds silly but it really helped me and it gives you a glow.

I know this post is probably really rambling and ranting and kinda hate filled as well, so simply my message is.....if you are getting bullied remember you are BETTER than what they are, you are STRONGER than what they are and in the big picture they are WORTHLESS.